my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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