I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
