meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
