I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
