that's an acceptable place to lick
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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