woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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