Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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