I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Come see our sink grown plant.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
