dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
