I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
