tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
third nipple confirmed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
