Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize