Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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