youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
