my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
