Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Randomize
