I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
