I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
