I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
