i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
