you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
