Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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