I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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