This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
