everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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