The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
