My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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