Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
