I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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