Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
