she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
