oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
