i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she peed on how many people?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
