hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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