i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
