I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Welp...herpes.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
only you would photoshop your dick
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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