You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
