I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
