it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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