Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
