apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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