Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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