sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
