She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
