I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
