I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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