theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
