me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
