Michael Bay diarrhea
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
