remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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