So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
