I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
