I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
