i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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