Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
