Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
