Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
