Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
