I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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