No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
