So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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