I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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