i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
