my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize